“First and foremost,” said Patrice Clerc, President of Amaury Sport Organization (ASO), the promoter of the Tour de France), “I want to be the first to congratulate whoever wins the 2007 Tour de France. You are truly a great champion, and ASO thanks you for making our business possible. While we do not yet know who will win the Tour, I feel it is vital we acknowledge that person as the pinnacle of strength, conditioning, and personal sacrifice he undoubtedly must be.”

“Next,” continued Clerc, “I’d like to take this opportunity to accuse the aforementioned winner of using unscrupulous and nefarious methods to obtain this prize, and hereby accuse him — whoever he is — of doping.”

“Really, it’s very simple,” said the Chairman of WADA. “Follow my logic, if you please. Every single rider at the Tour de France is a superior athlete. If one person is able to beat all these other people, that person must be doing something the others aren’t doing. However, everybody knows that every single one of these athletes is doing every legitimate thing he can to be the best racer he can be. And since every racer is doing every allowable thing, but only one person can win, the person who wins must be doing something that is not allowed.”

“And what is not allowed?” asked Mr. Pound. “Doping is not allowed, that’s what.”

“The award ceremony will have some new drama, as well,” said McQuaid. “In addition to the stuffed lion and the yellow jersey, the holder of the maillot jaune will be handed a pair of ceremonial handcuffs by myself and Mr. Pound, and then we will slap him.”

“The final ceremony will be even better,” concluded the UCI President.. “In addition to the traditional pomp and prizes, we will also have law enforcement personnel, a judge and prosecuting attorneys on hand to serve notice of arrest, a search warrant, and in fact begin the arraignment proceedings. It will be spectacular.”