> Mixed Signals in Relationships

You know Valentine’s Day has just gone by when you see love still lingering in the air, what with residual heart-shaped balloons floating around in offices, belated-e-greeting cards, telephone companies spamming inboxes with love tunes and looking-in-love couples everywhere.

Most (young) couples in love – barring the private few – have the peculiar habit of wanting to scream out their love from rooftops. Come V-Day and even the silent ones declare their love by infiltrating coffee shops, markets, parks, park benches and bushes. Much as the moral brigade complains, one can’t really blame the declaring-their-love-couples. Perhaps it’s something to do with ‘when you’re happy clap your hands’, or show your love.

However, what happens when one partner is comfortable declaring s/he is in love and the other does not want to acknowledge it? What when one partner wants an affair to remain a “secret”? What when your girlfriend/boyfriend shies away from introducing you to his/her friends? Or denies having a relationship when in company? What when your Facebook profile says you are “In a relationship” but your partner’s profile reads “Single” or worse still, “Single and looking”?

This is one of the emails that came in response to the ‘Why does she still talk to her ex-lover’ article.

“I have been in love with a girl (V) for the last seven years. She knows very well that am in love with her and we used to talk a lot over the phone. However, she always insisted that we keep our ‘relationship’ a secret. But now suddenly, she says she wants to be ‘just friends’ and says she will not go against her parents wishes. I believe she loves me but is not willing to accept it. She insists that I will soon find a ‘better girl than her’. At times she does not reply to my messages and ignores me. However, she wants us to remain good friends forever. Should I accept her friendship and suppress my love? Or should I just walkout? Please suggest.” -- M

According to a popular adage, some people are adept at understanding signals and the unspoken. Then there are those who don’t get a message unless a truck runs them over.

Most people give out enough signals when they ARE interested. People also give out signals when NOT interested. However, given that all of us are not adepts in sign language, there are chances you misread another’s friendly gestures and assume they might love you… or ignore the signs that announce they don’t love you.

Here are the five things that definitely say another is either not interested in carrying on with the relationship (if you aren’t imagining the relationship in the first place) or are not interested:

1. S/ he does NOT introduce you to friends and keeps you a secret: Unless there is secrecy due to parental disapproval or HR trouble (for office romance cases), most people will introduce their partners to their friend circle. If yours is not doing so, there could be two reasons: You are not ‘important’ enough to be introduced (and are a private convenience or ‘time-pass’) or they don’t consider you good enough and consider you an embarrassment. If s/he talks to you (or meets) you in private but denies even knowing you in public, they are not serious about the relationship and you are about to be history soon.

2. S/ he does not talk to you (as much) anymore: There cannot be a clearer sign of another not being interested than them NOT wanting to talk to you. If you have been talking to the other for some time – whether over coffee or on the phone – and now they don’t want to talk anymore or don’t seem to have much time, they’ve either lost interest or are not interested. Replying in monosyllables, yawning on the phone, ending calls midway or always being busy when you call are clear signs you should back off.

3. S/he is ignoring you: When someone is interested, they SHOW interest. If on the other hand, the other avoids places where you could be, does not tell you where s/he would be (for fear you would land up there), does not take your calls, blocks you on instant-messenger and does not respond to SMS-es (even after five days), they are definitely NOT interested.

4. S/ he hopes you will find someone “better” for yourself: It means they are hoping that you would leave them alone and get on with your life. When you are clearly interested in someone and they are giving you the “find someone better” line, it means they wish you’d rather put your interest and affections elsewhere and not on them. Many times people are not comfortable telling another to buzz-off on their faces and employ this tactic hoping the other would get the message.

5. S/ he wants to be ‘friends’ with you forever…: Wanting to “be friends” is the most classic and perhaps the biggest sign that the other is not interested. ‘Being friends’ here should not be confused with the other person valuing you; instead it means the person definitely does NOT see you as a romantic interest. Wanting to be friends is perhaps their way of telling you that ‘friendship’ is all they want from their association with you and is a polite way of telling you to move on.

In the email written by M, he mentions how despite knowing that he was in love with her, the girl, V, continued talking to him on the phone and yet wanted to keep their relationship a ‘secret’. Now she wants to be “just friends” as she does not want to go against her parents’ wishes. M also mentions that he believes the girl loves him “but is not willing to accept it”.

Unfortunately, the only one not willing to accept the truth in this scenario is M. While his email was not very clear about the nature of their phone conversations and neither did it mention if the girl had ever accepted to being in love with him; it’s evident that she is NOT in love with him now. She is using/ giving him all the reasons and signs that she wants their association – even an imagined romantic one – to end and wants him to move on in life.

Even if one were to assume that the girl does have any feelings for M, it’s advisable for M to end the chapter and look for love elsewhere, or wait till it happens to him: What’s the point in waiting for someone who cannot stand by you for whatever reason? In this situation though, the girl clearly does not love M.

Sometimes, we might really love another person but the other does not reciprocate. For whatever reasons that the girl continued talking to him on the phone – it could have been conversations that he misunderstood to mean she “loved” him – she is clearly not interested now.

Since M accepts that the girl “ignores” him, it’s better that he have some self-respect and stop calling the girl and not give her a chance to do the ignoring. Running after someone who is not interested – and he has been doing it for seven years – will only make M look desperate. No one likes another to be ‘desperate’. Or the other will only enjoy the attentions of such a person for their ego-massage and then will walk away, ending it with a “let’s be friends”.

For the benefit of M’s mental peace, one would suggest he ends this current association amicably – as friends – and move on in life. However, he should KNOW that “being friends” does not mean that she might be interested later, or that he needs to call her everyday. The girl is clearly not interested and it would be in everyone’s best interests – especially M’s – if he were to give up this unfruitful pursuit and put his heart and mind elsewhere. Also, one hopes that next time he falls in love, it will be more about clear communication than mixed signals over the phone.