Alonso's Letter to Cousin Pedro

Cousin Pedro, Preston, Idaho

Hola hombre

So much has happened since I wrote you last, I quit the Mac-Laren team and go back to my old guys at Renault.

The good news is they change the drivers uniform. Before with Renault, they make me wear overalls that belong to gay fisherman. Lots of yellow in the wrong places. No es bueno.

Along with my new team I have new team-mate. Last season I race against pelotudo son of a nice guy. This season I drive against pelotudo son of a pelotudo. His father is a three-time world champion with a big stupid grin who thinks he is funnier than Chris Rock.

But is still better than driving with Bernie and Ron's spoiled little prince Lewis Hamil-ton.

Dios mio if the public knew the truth about the real Lewis Hamil-ton. He is not this sweet kid with the good manners. The minute the journalists go and the TV cameras are switched off, he turns back into his real self, the gangsta rapper. I see him in Barcelona and he says, "Yo dog, how's it hangin' mo fo."

At the circuit, for the cameras, he is dressed in official Mac-Laren clothes, but when I see him at the airport he has blinged up and looks like Kanye West after exiting a jewellery shop. El dumbass más grande en el mundo.

Renault wanted me to drive with Frodo Baggins this year. Not the guy from Lord of the Rings, that is the nickname of Finnish driver Heiki Kovalainen. He is good.

I said no. (Actually, now I think of it - Pat Symmonds reminds me a lot of Smiegel - without the good looks) Kovalainen was much too quick so I told them with an open face, "I drive with the girl Nelsinho or I no come."

We have out first testing this week and the car is too slow, even though they start working on it in June 2007. Then I find out the reason is because they have to stop the design halfway through and take out all the Mac-Laren technology that they stole off some computer disks. Otherwise they get the $100 million dollar fine from Max Mosley.

So it's good that I was able to take five CDs and a 780-page dossier that I found thrown into one of the dustbins at Woking.

In testing this week my old team-mate Fisichella is very quick in testing for the Force India team. They are the burro of the F1 world. Or the tortoise, but they always go quick at this time of year when they need sponsors and nobody weighs the car.

Honda are the real dogs right now. Last year they have a slow car and they say that it is a freak of nature, 2008 we will be back at the front of the grid. And this year the car is even slower. At least some things make me smile.

I was talking to one of the Renault test team in the motorhome and I asked him what car he drove. He said he had an old Mitsubishi Pajero. I laugh until I fall on the floor crying.

He said, "What is so funny, Fernando?"

I said "in Spain "pajero" is our word for masturbator - so you drive a Mitsubishi Masturbator V6. Is fine, but don't take it on holiday to Spain."

Hasta luego

Your cousin, Fernando.