If Santa Answered his letters...

Dear Santa

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all

Yeer.

yer Frend,

BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about

I send you a frickin book so you can learn to read and write? I'm

giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is

peace and joy in the world for everybody.

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they??

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a

drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set

you up with a Barbie.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots

for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when

riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of

scotch.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making

toys??

Your friend,

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas, where I

spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by

drinking

myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while

losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're

awake, like in the song?

Love,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm

skipping your house.

Santa

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Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE

PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging stuff may work with your folks, but that crap

doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

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Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just likethe boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa