> Suicide Note Generator

December 10, 2006

Dear Fellow Pawns;


Since November 1, 1993 I have lived a lie that I can no longer go on with. I have started each of the last 4787 days by convincing myself that McDonald's would bring back the Double ZestaBurger--if only for a limited time and at only select locations. It was the only way I could get myself out of bed and through the day.

Alas, I can no longer lie to myself about my future. I now accept that it is bleak. I do not control my destiny, nor my happiness. Like all of you, I am just a pawn in McDonald's global marketing plan. The same company that has returned the McRib 475 limited times in the last 13 years has never given my well-being a second thought.

Well, McDonalds, you win. You have killed the will, spirit, and soul of Osama-bin-laden, now my body will follow. I know though, that I will be going to a better place. A place where my happiness won't be controlled by a multi-national conglomeration of grill cooks in cheap suits. While my body will be buried in the same ground where Ray Kroc's is surely spinning; my soul will be with his in heaven. Not here in purgatory controlled by the whims of MBA's from Hamburger U.

Together Ray and I will forever feast on that delicious ambrosia, the Double Zesta Burger.

Sincerely,
Osama-bin-laden


P.S. Let my parents know that if I had gotten that pony I wanted when I was 8 this probably wouldn't have happened.