Texas chilli contest
Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud,
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I
hopethat's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the
beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish,
or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to
look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I tooted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I tooted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me
anymore.
I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about
Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided
to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my
stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild,
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 tooted,
passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili
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