Kambakkht Ishq

Filmmaking standards in Bollywood seem to have gone really high. Producers now opt for Sylvester Stallone over Sunny Deol for that mandatory special appearance in the climax as the messiah who saves the heroine from hoodlums. The shady second female fiddle who the heroine keeps abusing through the film has upgraded from Rakhi Sawant to Denise Richards. If that indirect insult to Hollywood still seems indicative, there is much more hardcore swearing in store.

The heroine and hero refer to each other as ‘dog’ and ‘bitch’ throughout. She adds that men have no IQ. Director Sabbir Khan either believes the same for his audience or is the species of men that the heroine is referring to. That’s because he treats the film with such childish cheekiness that you are amazed by the audacity with which the film offends the idea of entertainment.

Viraj (Akshay Kumar), an Indian stuntman working in Hollywood, is a compulsive womanizer who goes flirting around with every other woman in the town. Hey Baby, doesn’t that Akki sound familiar? For one good hour he goes on flirting outrageously with Simrita (Kareena Kapoor), a supermodel who is more of a mannequin with a disgusted face. The battle of sexes works adversely on your reflexes amidst jarring songs, commotional cake-fights, loud performances and toilet humour.

Miss Supermodel doubles up as a surgeon who, in an operation, leaves a timepiece inside stuntman’s stomach. With a story straight out of sensational tabloids, you helplessly watch the film ticking towards imminent disaster.

Suddenly the duo tries to woo each other just so that they can dump them later. Didn’t Kareena attempt the same with Akshaye in Hulchul ? The only one heartbroken is the viewer. Through a disjoint screenplay, constant continuity lapses and impassive chemistry between the couple, you realize that the film is heading nowhere. It also suffers from mood-swings as the supposed comedy changes tracks to emotional outbursts. Interestingly these are the most unintentionally funny portions where an inebriated Bebo justifies her male hatred.

What’s sad is that Kambakkht Ishq is a remake of Kamal Hassan’s Tamil film Pammal K. Sambandam (2002) and despite having a readymade rubbish reference point, the makers still couldn’t foresee the mess. Surprisingly four writers (Kiran Kotrial, Anvita Dutt Gupta, Ishita Mohitra, Sabbir Khan) are credited for the screenplay who end up spoiling the broth. Anvita’s dialogues are crude and crass at several instances complementing the literal toilet humour. There are unapologetic scenes where Akshay Kumar is (b)anally hauled or Amrita Arora gets farted on her face. Out of the blue, some patriotism and motherly love is abruptly induced to accommodate Sylvester Stallone in the script.

Akshay Kumar continues to repeat his customary comic act. Alas his spontaneity and improvisation fail to revive the hogwash script. Kareena Kapoor exaggerates and for god’s sake why does she have to reprise the dreadful ‘ Yeh Mera Dil ’ act in a self-spoof song ( Bebo Main Bebo, Dil Mera Lelo ). Imagine, Aftab Shivdasani is bearable in comparison. Amrita Arora seems to be tailor-made for dumb bimbo roles. Kirron Kher is getting repetitive and tiresomely typecast. Javed Jaffrey and Boman Irani ham hysterically and are pathetically wasted. The iconic Stallone seems jaded while Denise Richards appears aged. Vindu Dara Singh...oh why am I even mentioning him?

How one wishes producer Sajid Nadiadwala would have shown more consideration for a sane... rather some storyline than investing millions on highlighting Hollywood.

Alas this one is Dumb-akkht Ishq !

Rating: 1/5 (Poor)

How much you enjoy Kambakkht Ishq is directly proportionate to just how low your standards have fallen. This battle-of-the-sexes saga starring Akshay Kumar and Kareena Kapoor is a loud, vulgar and seriously offensive film that has reportedly been made at a price of Rs 60 crore. In that much money, you could feed an entire starving nation. And you'd be blessed for it.

I'm not saying the makers of Kambakkht Ishq have no business spending so much money. I'm just saying, if you must spend Rs 60 crore, the least you can do is give us a good film.

Akshay Kumar plays Viraj Shergill, a Hollywood stuntman who beds a new broad every day but loves his bachelor lifestyle too much to settle for anything permanent. He meets his match in Kareena Kapoor who plays Simrita Rai, a medical student-cum-part-time model who hates the very sight of men, convinced they're only interested in women for sex. The two of them clash when their respective best friends decide to tie the knot, but things take an unexpected turn when - believe it or not - Simrita accidently loses her musical watch inside Viraj's body while performing a surgery on him. Mortified that she could be sued for her negligence, she must find a way to get him back on the operation table so she can retrieve the watch. He, on the other hand, can't seem to figure out why his ears keep ringing with a musical chant every hour.

Watching Kambakkht Ishq, you know you can't apply logic to a film like this. There are dozens of questions that have no answers - Who allowed her to keep her watch on while performing surgery? What kind of battery does this watch run on for it to break into music every hour inside a man's stomach? What kind of stuntman can afford a luxurious condo overlooking the sea? Where in the world can you expect to find Sylvester Stallone lurking in alleys waiting to come to the rescue of hapless girls?

I could go on till tomorrow.

The problem with this film isn't that it's ridden with logical loopholes. Those you're even willing to turn a blind eye to, in keeping with the film's screwball nature. What is inexcusable is the consistently crude tone of the film. So while a scene in which a big black female customs officer practically rips through Akshay's backside to search for drugs might still make you laugh, what isn't very funny is a scene in which Akshay farts in Amrita Arora's face for no reason at all. That's just sick.

I also don't see the humor in Akshay and Kareena referring to each other as "dog" and "*****" repeatedly, and believe me, those are some of the milder profanities they use in the film. Besides, there are innumerable references to sex, virginity and homosexuality, and to be honest many of them just aren't funny. Like the scene in which Akshay tries to set Kareena up with a girl because she's made her dislike for men quite apparent. When Kareena responds that she's not interested in sleeping with either a man or a woman, Akshay is ecstatic at the mystery he believes he's just solved - "Virgin! You're a virgin," he taunts her.

What's so funny, you ask.

I want to add here that slapping a woman is just wrong, and using that as comedy is plain offensive. In more scenes than one, Akshay Kumar physically abuses female characters - including one in which he slaps Amrita Arora across her face four times. I don't care that Amrita Arora probably deserves some kind of punishment for her lousy acting, but I'm sorry Akshay, real men don't raise their hands on women. Even as a joke.

Provocative, but just for the sake of it, director Sabbir Khan resorts to cheap gimmicks for the sake of cheap thrills - like a group of girls flashing their breasts to the men at a wedding reception, and Akshay Kumar grabbing Kareena and smooching her forcibly on the lips.

In terms of performances, there is very little that can be said about both leads. Kareena Kapoor, an actress blessed with scorching screen presence and immense talent, stoops to a new career low with Kambakkht Ishq. I can't imagine why any respectable actress would agree to play such a crass character and participate in the film's sexist jokes which include - on at least two occasions - her yanking her neckline down to reveal more cleavage and raising her hemline up to show more leg. Although the film benefits from Kareena's star wattage, it will remain an ugly blot on her resume. Akshay Kumar, for his part, recycles many of the same jokes from his earlier films and relies on broad physical comedy to draw the laughs. But he's running out of steam, and the loud, coarse humor is getting repetitive. At his best when he's comically endearing, one of the most entertaining scenes in the film is the one in which he's discovered to his horror who will be performing surgery on him. Muttering and cursing her as the anesthesia kicks in, he leaves you in splits.

Judged purely on its screenplay, Kambakkht Ishq spirals downwards in its second half, when the tone shifts abruptly from comedy to sappy romance. Those supposedly emotional scenes in the film's third act aren't in the least convincing, and only slacken the film's pace considerably.

On the upside, Kambakkht Ishq has attractive camerawork, and set in the heart of Hollywood you're treated to a ringside view of such local attractions as the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Universal Studios and the Kodak Theatre. There is also the opportunity to see a few daring stunts being filmed, but those scenes sadly are too short.

The real humor in this film lies in the clever bits. Like that scene at an Action Awards ceremony where the audience rises to its feet to accord respect to what they think might be the Indian National Anthem when what's actually playing is that musical marriage chant in Akshay's body.

Unfortunately such moments are few and far between in what is ultimately a loud, vulgar film. Which brings me to another concern - Kambakkht Ishq has been rated U/A by the Censor Board which means children of all ages can see the film as long as they're accompanied by an adult. I don't mean to be a prude, but do we really want our kids to learn about sex from the movies? From this movie?

I'm going with one out of five for director Sabbir Khan's Kambakkht Ishq. Think of it as Welcome or Singh Is Kinng but about twenty times more tasteless. Of course it worries me that that description might excite some viewers to check it out!

Rating: 1 / 5 (Poor)

If an American were to scratch his chin and look scrutinisingly at Bollywood, perhaps the best way to explain the Akshay Kumar [ Images ] phenomenon would be to label him India's answer to Will Smith [ Images ]. Both September-born superstars are athletic alpha males, earn the biggest packages, have fantastic comic timing, are armed with irrepressible raw charm, have set records for the most consecutive blockbusters, can rescue dud actioners with a smirk, and invariably come across as exasperatingly likeable even when they act in complete tripe.

It is at this point that the American, bamboozled by a truly bizarre poster for Akshay's latest which accurately indicates a juvenile farce with lewd humour and much inanity, is likely to interrupt our carefully considered Kumar-Smith comparison. (Rats, just when we were about to weave together something clever about how they both make excellent music video fodder.)

Asks then this astute Hollywood-fed cinegoer this: When was the last time Will Smith acted in, say, American Pie?

It is a tough question, and the American is being uncharacteristically benevolent, for Kambakkht Ishq is a painfully excessive work of burlesque, one so dragged down by the nauseating combination of toilet humour and lazy screenwriting that it makes American Pie look like Brokeback Mountain in comparison. Nope, Kambakkht Ishq is a weak, often revoltingly cheap film that serves merely as aspirin-seller or hangover-simulation.

With the film's leading man breaking wind in the face of a weeping bride, clearly Kambakkht Ishq is not a film aiming at gag sophistication. Which is perfectly fine, there is nothing at all wrong with an unabashedly lowbrow film, one which delights in skin and scatological humour, and makes no bones about being a collection of gags rather than something with an actual plot. What is wrong is when such a low-rent farce pretends it's a bonafide summer blockbuster.

When a film is small and fringe-y and obviously inexpensive (like this film I haven't seen but one a fellow critic couldn't help 'enjoying'), there is a case to be made for taking it for its tackiness and giving in to the tasteless inanity. On the other hand, when the budget goes from shoestring to Stallonetastic and much fanfare is drummed up with the film released as one of the year's biggest, the tolerance level goes down significantly -- ie, we can't be expected to actually pay for this monstrosity.

We do, with our money, our time and our expectations -- and we're served up a hideous bit of cinematic buffoonery.

Kambakkht Ishq is about a stuntman named Viraj who clearly must have borrowed a hip-hop star's lifestyle when he wasn't looking. Akshay Kumar's character has a round the clock buddy/valet, cars of increasingly glamorous make and wall-to-wall women chasing him, women easily talked into anything and women who want to make 'golden babies' with him. And then there's Kareena Kapoor playing Simrita, a supermodel/doctor who chooses from a gallery of furied overpouty faces, lectures her friends on how all men are dogs, and then goes around tugging her dress up so that she can compete with the worst Bondgirl in history, Denise Richards.

Set the stage for a pair of cardboard cutout protagonists who duke it out in what is advertised as the battle of the sexes -- as if they're the first bickering couple in moviedom. And here they don't bicker, they swear. She's a model who sneers on stuntmen? He's a stuntman who doesn't need anaesthesia while being operated upon? And these atrociously unfunny characters go at it, hammer and thongs, again and again and again, altering not stance nor vocabulary. Groan.

Personally, my heart goes out to Kareena. The woman is strikingly attractive and one of the few leading ladies who can actually act, one who has given us a few blazing performances and has repeatedly shown that she's capable of holding her own against the very finest. She's something else, and even she has to resort to role this demeaning, in a film this stupid? It's a pathetic character, a part-time doctor with excessively lax morals -- she's the kind of medic who would eventually engage in organ theft -- and yet a Bollywoody sense of pre-marital prudishness. And her Bebo main Bebo song is the worst thing in a very ordinary soundtrack. Tchah.

As if these two weren't bad enough, the film is further weighed down by a non-cast, out of whom Vindoo Dara Singh, playing Akshay's right-hand Tiger, is possibly the least objectionable. We have a whiney Aftab Shivdasani, a puzzling one-scene cameo by Boman Irani, and a big Punjabi glassful of standard-issue Kirron Kher. And then we have two women who can't act to save their lives, Amrita Arora, smiling when she's required to look panicked in her very first scene (then again, it must be tough to register alarm while saying the name 'Bebo') and getting progressively worse, and Kehkashan Pandit, who really has no business being in the movies.

And somewhere in the middle there's a manic Javed Jaffrey, playing the lawsuit-happy Keswani who calls himself a sue-er -- with emphasis on the Case in Keswani and much porkiness in the sue-er -- and it's a testimony to the actor's comic exuberance and the script's lack of smarts that this dreadful pun ranks as one of the film's funniest gags, even though the man pops up in fits and starts and never quite goes anywhere.

Moments before one of the film's only genuinely funny scenes, Akshay is recieving an award from Sylvester Stallone. The battered icon makes a neat little Rockyesque speech on the importance of stuntmen, following which Akshay, weilding his trophy like a sceptre, launches into Punjabi and talks about how a young boy who wanted to be Stallone is now sharing a stage with him. It's manipulative to the hilt, but Kumar musters up enough sincerity to keep it real, right down to him touching Rambo's feet.

Live it up, Akshay, but you really need to change your schtick. You might be the fresh prince, one who's brought Sikh regality front and centre with a bass thump, but unless you start showing some smarts, you ain't legend.

Rating: 1.5/5

At the onset, we would like to clarify that we love low brow. Because low brow can be fun. Because low brow can be a great escape. Because low brow can be therapeutic. And because low brow can be perfect paisa vasool.

Proof: Haven't we given a howlarious thumbs up to films like Golmaal, Singh is Kinng, Welcome, No Entry and almost all of David Dhawan's films. We would also like to lay bare our no-objection to crude and vulgar too. Because crude and vulgar is an indispensable part of our of non-veg gag bag. And everybody does have a repertoire of ekdum bakwaas jokes and videos. But truly, how low can you go?

Kambakkht Ishq hits an all-new low in several departments. First, it could easily win the award for the silliest story-line for sure. Consider this. Kareena, a super-model cum surgeon operates injured stuntman Akshay Kumar and leaves her heart-shaped watch, with an hourly alarm that blares `Mangalam-mangalam', in his intestines. She wouldn't care much about it if it didn't jeopardise her career, because she actually hates Akshay. Reason? He's a stuntman and more importantly, he's a man, and she believes all men are dogs. So this man-hater gets desperate to lure Akshay back into the Operation Theatre and pull out her pendant, only because she wants to hang on to her surgeon-in-stilletos profile. And how does she do it? By seducing him into submission, jabbing an injection and hurriedly cutting him up again. For the stuntman too isn't fond of her and all the other `bitches' like her.

And here we come to the second abysmal point. Never has a Hindi film script ever been so derogatory towards women. Not only does Akshay incessantly address Kareena as `*****', he also treats all the other women around him as objects to be abused and literally flung around in bouts of fury. While Kareena ostensibly plays the bold, arrogant, successful modern woman -- and turns her into a complete parody -- the other women in the film are equally brainless. Lingerie model Amrita who marries Akshay's brother Aftab doesn't consummate her marriage because friend Kareena tells her all men are dogs and Hollwood actress Denise Richards wraps herself around stuntman Akshay because she wants to make `golden babies' with him. Surely, that is neither funny nor sexy. In fact, this might actually be one of the most sexist films in recent times, all in the name of portraying the battle of the sexes.

Silly point number three: the Hollywood connection is a complete sham. If Superman Brandon Routh and Holly Valance have a split second role, then Denise Richards and Sylvester Stallone are just eye candy. They have nothing to do in the film, other than make a glossy guest appearance and win a peck and a Punjabi thank-you speech from the ever-grateful Indian hero. One abridged action sequence definitely wouldn't be enough for Sly fans who would go looking for some John Rambo chutzpah in a desi flick.

So what really works in Kambakkht Ishq. Merely the gloss and a valiant effort on the part of Akshay Kumar to keep the laughs trickling in, here and there, with his off-beat sense of timing. But when the situations aren't too comic, there isn't much an actor can do to tickle your funny bone. Kareena, on the other hand, is a complete let-down. Despite her haute-coutured look, her micro minis, her pencil heels, she comes across as a completely unconvincing supermodel cum surgeon. It's a laboured, pouty attempt to accentuate the oomph, when actually the actress doesn't need to fake it. Remember her effortless and completely natural `Pooh' act in Kabhi Khusi Kabhie Gham? Also, what exactly are Jaaved Jaaffrey and Boman Irani doing in this film? Again, two fine actors who bear the brunt of an under-written, clumsy role that's neither here nor there. If Jaafrey's a greedy NRI who calls himself a su-er (he loves to sue every American), then Boman is a one-scene doctor who is trapped in a Dostana-like sequence with patient Akshay. Not funny at all.

Surely, it take more than Jimmy Choo, Prada, Versace and LA to make a film that can tickle and entertain. Million dollar looks and a multi-crore budget can't make up for characters and a kahaani.

Rating: 2/5

Originally Posted by xXx

^u saw the movie it seems

Originally Posted by xXx

^loser

Originally Posted by xXx

yeah....those 2Hrs 24Mins can never come back